I started the year with a mission to find myself.
“Take Heart” was my word(s) for 2016, so now that we’re about half way through, I decided to give myself a check up.
it was intended to turn my focus inward. I had become so focused on figuring out what God wanted to do THROUGH me that I had neglected somewhat, of what he needed to do IN me, first.
So I was ready. #takeheart2016. It was written on the jar, the instagram was posted, the plans for the vision board were in the works – the actual vision board didn’t get done till the end of April, but that’s a different story- the point is, I was ready.
I started with the greatest of intentions. To find out exactly who it was that God had called me to be, and to discover all that he has put in me to do. I was going to dream big dreams. I was going to get to know Jillana. I figured if I really knew myself, then I could get rid of all fear of showing others who I was.
Let’s just say, that wasn’t the best laid plan. The more I tried to get to know Jillana, the more I discovered things that I didn’t like. Not in a super depressing, “I hate myself” kind of way, but turning all of my focus inward just turned a huge spotlight on my humanity.
Despite having been a christian for an upward of 20ish years, I was still pretty messed up.
In setting out to sanctify myself, essentially, I fixed my eyes on myself, and instead of being liberated and encouraged, I was getting super defeated. Why?
Because, duh. I have no power to change myself.
I didn’t mean to kick God out of the process, I believe I had noble intentions. I had gotten myself into this mess, so doggonit I was going to get myself out.
But the psalmist didn’t write that he was going to “search his own heart” – he knew that there was no way he could do it. Which is why he said: “Search me GOD and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting.”
The only way to know and be confident in how God made you, uniquely you, is to allow him to cut out all of the parts that don’t look like HIM.
Finding out who God has called me to be, should have never been this great mystery. I’m covered by Christ. When God sees me, he sees Jesus. And that’s who he wants me to be like.
I don’t why I thought that this was a mystery that needed 12 months of focused prayer to discover.
Finding yourself is more than finding your style, or being comfortable in your own skin. I hope that comes along the way, but for now – I need to align my heart to His. I need to take HIS heart—and I will find mine.
I’ll work out the details later.